Shared Frustrations

While overweight people have plenty of frustrations that not everyone can understand, there are some frustrations that we all share. Consider ketchup. It's a fat man's friend. Low calories and great flavor. Everyone loves ketchup. Who doesn't? If you don't like ketchup it's pretty obvious that you are a member of Al Qaida.

Every nation has their own version of ketchup. South America has salsa. Italy has marinara. Britain has...what does Britain have? I guess vinegar. If your food is so bad that all you can dip into is vinegar you are in bad shape!

While we win the taste test there are some things that can frustrate us about our hero...ketchup.

Frustration #1 - The package. Seriously, can we not make a bigger package for fast food restaurants? One package is good for two fries and they are hard to open. A gold medal goes to What-a-burger for making a breakthrough! Plenty of ketchup in a container that easy to open and most importantly taste amazing! Seriously, you will find no better ketchup. The loser is any fine restaurant that thinks bringing you a miniature bottle of Heinz is a good thing. Seriously? There is more glass than ketchup. Stop!

Frustration #1 - The bottle. How long has ketchup been around? 1801! 208 years later we decided that ketchup bottles are only used upside down...so why don't we make an upside down bottle! Seriously, when did upside down bottles become commonplace? Six months ago? How sad it that is.

Frustration #3 - The colored container. When you sit down at a restaurant it looks lovely to have every ketchup bottle filled to the top. But, when you are deceived by a bottle that appears full only to find out it is empty your frustration level peaks. For our sanity please replace the colored containers with a clear container. Ketchup deception is so painful.

What-A-Burger ketchup and McDonald fries = gourmet appetizer...but not on my diet!

The Waffle House Affect

What is the Waffle House affect? If you've been to a Waffle House before you will realize quickly that you are never the largest person there. There is always, always someone there that is bigger than you. So, if you are overweight, like myself, you are constantly using the Waffle House Affect no matter where you go. It's a sad way of justifying your problem. We go to the mall, fly on the plane, and eat at restaurants constantly observing others.

When I finally spot someone who wins the prize I feel much better about myself.

But, what happens when you become the person that everyone else is looking at? Maybe you are out with friends, at church, or in a restaurant and you realize that you have won the prize! This is one prize that know one wants...but I find myself winning on occasion.

If you find yourself winning the prize please don't let it get you down. Be proud of who you are and don't allow the Waffle House Affect to get the best of you! Waffles for breakfast anyone?

Sipping On The Sauce

Thanksgiving is right around the corner and what better way to celebrate than with gravy.

Gravy is the glue that ties a holiday meal together.

A well made gravy or sauce can make a typical meal extraordinary. I am a huge fan. Essentially, gravy is lard, flour and liquid.

Liquid...the key word for today.

I had a dream that I was holding a cup of piping hot gravy. I was sipping on the gravy like a cup of coffee. After taking a sip of the sauce some of it remained in my mustache like whipped cream on a latte. No need for a napkin here...just used my tongue to clear the remnants.

I'm sure by now you have an image in your head.

The dream continues in the doctors office.

Doc: Sir, your cholesterol is extremely high.

Ken: How high?

Doc: Well, your blood isn't moving anymore.

Ken: What! I don't understand. How could this even be possible.

Doc: That's what happens when you drink gravy.

Ken: Gravy? I would nev...uhh...arghhh...ok, so what's the solution?

Doc: You will need to sop it up...Here, take this prescription.

Ken: What is this?

Doc: Hot rolls...eat as many as you would like!

My dreams are in high definition. My dreams are always in full color. My dreams are typically never about food. I'm not a great dream interpreter, but here's what I think my dream was saying to me: Eat all the bread you want and go light on the gravy this holiday season. Shouldn't be too hard...most gravy for the next two months contains the giblets (liver, heart, etc.) of Mr. Turkey. So, this dream must have been a holiday sign from above! Let me be the first to wish you

HAPPY HOLIDAY'S!

Me vs. UAD

It was a brief battle with an obvious winner. The enemy is smooth and cunning. He attacks without you knowing and leaves his mark before you ever have a chance of defending yourself. I have been at war for years and never won. The enemy even has a stealth weapon. Invisible, the stealth fighter is as dangerous as his more common partner. What makes their weapons so unique is the huge payload they are able to carry. The enemy’s weapons are replenished with just a twist of a button. I have a firm grip on the enemy each day but always disappoint myself with my effort to contain the beast.
November 14, 2010 the enemy notices that I am preparing for an important event. I’m sporting a dark colored shirt (the enemy’s favorite). Before I can even raise my arm to defend myself the enemy has attacked…and just like that the battle is over. The enemy has won again.
In the war of Fat people vs. UAD (Under Arm Deodorant) UAD wins every time. When I leave the house it looks like I have been in a wrestling match with UAD. I prefer “Old Spice – Denali” so I can smell like a man’s man. I have a very important fat rule to share with you…ALWAYS SMELL GOOD. I have to be honest right now, just because you are overweight it never, NEVER gives you the right to smell bad. NEVER! Unfortunately, the evil deodorant nation is out to get us.
So, they make invisible deodorant. Instead of white marks on your shirt now you have grease stains. Do they smell good? Yes, but it looks as though you have been deep fried.
This is another reason it is important for us to wear two shirts. I am not only covering up my fat…I’m covering up my battle scars.
Don’t ever take for granted the power of UAD. It will leave a mark every time! Fight the battle!

Body Building Leg Models

I’m pretty sure I could be a leg model. I have legs that any man would die for…even though no one would admit it. I know of men who work their legs for hours a week to sculpt and form their muscles. I, on the other hand, spend close to 40 hours a week working on my leg muscles. When you are an old fat man, sitting and standing is considered exercise. My legs stay toned because of the rigorous amount of weight each lower limb supports.

There’s only one problem…I can’t see my legs. Oh sure, if I sit down I may get a brief glance of the legs of steel…but it’s simply a glance. I remember the days when my legs were visible without bending over. Ah yes, those were the good old days!

There you have it…the “good old days”. If you struggle with your weight like I do, your “good old days” are always your skinniest days. August 1996…four months away from being married I weighed a measly 174 pounds, wore 32/34 jeans and medium shirts were in my closet. I constantly “go back” to those days when I start dieting. But, recently things have changed.
You see, I’m not doing very well with my attempted weight-loss. I’m stuck in the vicious cycle of…oh, who am I kidding? I just don’t care right now, but I have come to the realization that I am wasting my life because I’m not who I once was. What a shame! Why would I waste my time worrying about someone I once was and allow my life to fly by without living it now.

I am who I am. Why can’t we be happy with who we are? One reason may be that we like to hang on to those memories that are good…those memories that have left an impression on us. We remember marriages, births, family reunions (at least some of them), and our skinny days. While there is nothing wrong with reminiscing about those days, it is important for us to live today.
So I am going to be happy with who I am now…not who I was. Be who you are, not what you were. Here’s to all the body builders!

Four Golden Recliner Rules

Sure, we have our trucks, our golf clubs, our hunting gear and fishing gear...but none of those things compare to a man's recliner. It signifies the end of the day and the beginning of the weekend. These noble pieces of furniture deserve a name much higher than "la-z-boy". May I suggest that we name our recliners "the throne" and call toilets...well...toilets.

Seriously, when you sit in your recliner you act as though you are sitting on the throne.

We have our scepter (remote), our chalice filled with our favorite beverage, and entertainment. Do you have those things in your bathroom? I didn't think so. I now share with you the

"4 Golden Recliner Rules".

Rule Number One - The Groan - When we are forced to leave our throne we tend to let out an audible groan. Anger? Yes...this is definitely an angry groan. Would we admit it? No! The groans are loudest when you have just settled in to your recliner and are forced to get right back up. Other groans can signify pain. As we know, recliners require a drink in hand...and when the bladder is full, getting up is the last thing we want to do. Arrrrgh!

Rule Number Two -No Food Allowed - I break this rule nearly everyday and I always feel guilty. I know it's bad...it's times like this that I can hear myself getting fatter. That's right...I can hear myself blowing up. Is fruit OK? NO! I may be fat, but today I promise to never eat in the recliner again. It reminds me of the man that grew to his chair and died! Death by recliner because he couldn't get up. Thanks TLC Channel 189.

Rule Number Three - Child Fetch - I take advantage of this rule so often...it's no wander I'm overweight. If I have a task I need to accomplish and I think our children can accomplish in a timely manner I ask them to fetch. They are young...they can handle it. Sure they can...and that is why they are skinny and I'm fat!!! Come on Ken, get your lazy booty up and get it yourself. I'm working on this one.

Rule Number Four - 10:00 a.m. Rule - Unless you are sick there is never an excuse for you to be in the recliner before 10:00 a.m. I love lazy Saturdays, but I must admit moving from bed to recliner and then back to bed is never a good idea.

These commands I give you so that you may live life to its fullest. Don't waste your days reclining on your King or Queen Throne. Let's get up and move!

We had company this weekend. For the most part I ate very well, although I did slip a few times. I exercised in the form of walking 18 holes on Saturday. I know that is not enough. I must get in a regular exercise pattern.

If I would spend less time breaking the 4 Golden Recliner Rules I may actually have a desire to wake up and exercise each morning.

My weight did not change. I'm still down 20. Oh, and thanks to the lady at church that is quoted as saying..."What happen to your New Years resolution?" I love her.

Strategic Sitting

At a recent public event I found myself in a precarious situation. The chairs were basically stacked on top of each other and people filled every seat.

While I tried to sit normal, I found myself rubbing against the lady next to me.

I knew it was time to initiate the "sideslump". The sideslump is useful in situations like these. There are two types of sideslumps...the solo and the spouse. On this occasion I was able to use the spouse sideslump. I turned towards my wife so that only one cheek was on the chair...I then placed my arm around her. This is not a sign of affection. This is a strategic move used only for support. The sideslump requires balance as well as a tremendous amount of energy to maintain your position. Of course, there are some minor setbacks to this position.

The cheek that is being used will eventually fall to sleep.

This can create a minor situation when you are finally able to stand up. Next we have the "quarter crossover". Woman are masters at the full crossover. Simply slinging one of their legs over the other. The quarter crossover is where you sling your leg over the other...but it stops when it is parallel to the ground.

If you are overweight...this can be helpful in allowing you more space to enjoy your seat.

There is one major set-back...it takes every ounce of energy you have to keep your leg on top of the other. Because of this, it is important for you to wear pants. Why? The end of your pants can be used as handle to help hold your leg up.

I will only mention the "quarter crossover sideslump". After being overweight for years...I can pull this off.

The quarter crossover sideslump is not for rookies.

It takes years of practice to pull this off!

I have been doing pretty good on my diet. I have remained the same and lost a couple and remained the same. I'm down another 2 lbs. since I last wrote. That makes it 20lbs. total. Looking forward to the rest of the week. I have to start exercising soon to help the pounds fall off! No cokes. No sugars. Not too many carbs. Feeling pretty good. We'll talk tomorrow.

A Sticky Situation

Surely you have heard the phrase, "stick to your bones food". This can also be referred to as comfort food, or southern food. It is America's original cuisine. Consider the state meal of my home state, Oklahoma. It has at least four stick to your bones items: Fried Okra, Biscuits, Gravy, Chicken Fried Steak. Oklahoma's meal also includes grits, cornbread, black-eyed peas, and pecan pie. Growing up and living most of my life in the Sooner State I must admit that I have had my share of "The State Meal".

Most cafes in Oklahoma, (even the two in my hometown of Tipton) serve chicken fried steak as though it was a gourmet meal. It is, you know? Locals refer to chicken fried steak as chicken fry. For example..."Give me the chicken fry with french fries." That is a four star meal. And who can argue with that? Seriously? I don't care who you are...fried meat, biscuits, or sausage that is covered with "stick to you bones" gravy is going to be very satisfied. There is no way to go wrong! Sawmill gravy is an art. Either you have it - or you don't. It's really quite simple to make. First, you need fat. I have found that the best fat to use is a mix of both bacon and sausage. Next you need flour and a whisk. Finally, you need milk. 2% is fine...whole is better. Salt & Pepper. When we look in the bible for a description of heaven..."stick to your bone" sawmill gravy is what you will find.

There is only one reason for the pearly gates...that to keep everyone away from the gravy that is cooking inside!

So, what does all of this mean? I know my weakness. It's not chocolate. It's not sweets. It's not steak or lobster. It's "stick to your bones" food! The big problem for me is that the food literally sticks to my bones and I can't resist! What's worse? I love to cook that style of food.

I am gaining a new appreciation for the unhealthy qualities that this food type possesses. I am starting to understand that I can't eat those foods like I used to. My grandma would fry bacon in lard, and then fry potatoes in the same lard. I don't remember what they tasted like, but from what my brothers and sisters have told me...they were the best. How could they not be?

Yesterday I let my weakness have the best of me. After losing 18lbs. in a little over a week...I think this minor slip is understandable.

We ate Chinese for lunch...but don't judge...we did very good. I split the egg roll in two parts and scraped out the stuffing.

I didn't eat the fried wrapper. I ate all of my chicken and broccoli, but none of my rice. Not bad huh? Last night for our youth meal we had Brinner (breakfast for dinner). I'm sad to say that I didn't do well. I ate two biscuits with sausage between each of them. It stuck to my bones.

Today is a new day and I am right back on track. Looking forward to hitting the 20lb. mark...but yesterday set me back a couple of days. Hopefully by Monday I will be there!

IDATIAS Syndrome

Why? Seriously...why do people do this? I mean....how many times do I need to go over the rules before people learn. First, exposing yourself in public is illegal. I want to attempt to educate those who are overweight - but believe they are still skinny. Some obese people have a clothing complex (myself included). I don't like shopping for clothes. It's humiliating. But...BUT...when I do go shopping I buy a size that fits properly. Being a youth minister, it's interesting watching youth when you are taking shirt orders.

There have been some who needed an X-Large, but because their friends are wearing a medium they too order a medium.

They wear the shirt...three sizes too small. When this happens we see images like exhibit A to the left. Let's analyze this man's wardrobe. First, it's obvious he wants to show off his amazing chest and abdomen muscles.

The rippling of the shirt proves that this man is BUFF!

Second, notice the exposed table muscle (belly). Finally, look how the shorts are getting caught in the middle. What do we have here? We have a man with "IDATIAS" syndrome. IDATIAS? I Dress As Though I Am Skinny syndrome. It plagues many. The cure? Dress right. The cure? Buy larger clothes.

What's more embarrassing...wearing a 2X or 3x shirt...or showing the world parts of your body that can cause nausea and vomiting?

So...come on brothers and sisters! All of you who are overweight join the movement to stop IDATIAS. Weight loss is not even necessary...just a trip to the store.

The weekend that I was so worried about is a distant memory now. I've returned to eating what I want. Don't think I am gorging myself...or even overloading on calories...I am not. I am eating very healthy...and I'm happy about it. I have lost right at 18lbs. I'm exercising. I'm eating right. I'm doing great. I eat all the fruit I want. I eat all the raw veggies I want. It's been great. I made homemade salsa yesterday. Consider my meal last night...three cups of lettuce (a huge amount), a few slices of red onions and red bell pepper, a small chicken breast and I even was able to crumble 6 baked tostito chips. I covered it all with some of my salsa. Total calories by my estimation? 300. I made Talapia for lunch yesterday...made a Asian salad out of that. I at two apples for a snack throughout the day. So...maybe I had 600-800 calories...but I was full. I felt great.

That reminds me. Saturday night we watched a free concert, (The Belamy Brothers) at a local park. Following the show we took the kids to Taco Bell for supper. I was starving! I ordered a bean burrito. One bean burrito. Let me give you a brief Ken Taco Bell history lesson.

I can consume multiple bean burritos and soft tacos with no problem at all.

After eating half of this bean burrito I was stuffed...literally stuffed! I felt full, satisfied. YUMMY! I was amazed that one bean burrito satisfied me. I've heard the negatives about the 500 calorie diet we have been on, but I want to give some positives.

1. I lost 18lbs.

2. I have a new understanding of the amount of food we consume.

3. While it was tough, it was a motivator that has inspired me to eat better (healthier).

I weigh 289 lbs. My goal is 200. When will I meet my goal? When will I get there? If my calculations are correct...and they always are...(Tony Stark) I will reach my goal by mid-November. Just in time for Thanksgiving.

The Blindside

Eat what you want. Please, let me encourage you to eat what you want. As I gaze throughout the restaurant or across the table, understand that what you consume has no effect on me. If you are eating a rack of ribs with corn on the cob...I will be happy with my salad. If you are enjoying a bowl of ice cream...I will enjoy my breath saver mint. I have will power that is strong as steel. A mind that can not be shattered. A body that screams, "Throw me your best food temptation...I will not be moved."

If only that were the truth. Here's the truth. You eat a hamburger...I eat two. You eat french fries...I eat french fries and tater-tots. You enjoy a soft drink...I drink several.

If you put ribs on your plate...I take the ribs off your plate

and consume them myself.

This isn't about social graces. This is war! This is the arena. The band is playing. I'm a professional eater. I'm the quarterback on the Superbowl team calling the plays. This isn't a game. This is the playing field where war is carried out. If only I was on the bench (many are). If only I could keep my eyes off the game. Like the junior high kid whose parents are forcing him to play a sport (so they can live out their own dreams)...let me sit on the bench. Why can't I have that attitude towards food? Why can't I turn away the cheeseburger that is dripping grease? It's not healthy. I know this. It's bad for my body...like a receiver catching the ball while suspended in the air...the collision is going to be painful...but he grabs the ball never letting go...he has to be blind to not see the painful impact approaching. I may try wearing a blindfold. What I don't see...I don't crave.

Separate a fat man from food and watch the explosions begin.

Some deal with food separation anxiety better than others. Some obese men and women will become mildly depressed. Others will have a rejuvenated sense of life. I become angry. Could it be that the lack of diet cokes would have this affect on me? Could it be the lack of sugar? At any rate...I'm agitated and mad most of the day. At what? Nothing in particular...just everything in general. My wife (God bless her for putting up with me...she has handled the diet much better) and I are participating in a calorie counting diet that has a very, very low calorie intake the first week.

We are on day four of this diet and while the results are impressive (14lbs. lost so far) it is taking all I have to stay committed to it.

Last night I splurged and had a chicken breast with pickles. Pickles are not on the diet as they contain sugars and other substances that are not allowed. Will I make it for the last three days? I don't know. I will say this...the pickles were incredible last night. I never knew pickles could taste so good!

Dill, Kosher, Kosher-Dill, Bread & Butter...it didn't matter...I consumed any and all...I felt like I was having a feast!

Monday will be our last day of VLCD - (very low calorie diet). I will be out of town this weekend so it is going to be very, very hard to stay on track. Here's what I'm planning on doing. Tuna & Fruit. That's it....just tuna and fruit. I would love to join the guys for a cheeseburger after hole nine...if only I could golf blindfolded (sometimes I play as though I do). Keep everything covered up! We'll chat Monday.

The Grunt

Before your mind goes to the toilet, let's talk about some noises that are made by those who carry a heavy load. Oh sure, we could talk about beans (the magic fruit), but I am more concerned with the other noises that are "played" by myself as well as others.

So, in honor of National Tuba Day (which is always the first Friday in May) let's talk about the grunt.

We recently went four days without a water heater. This forced me to take a bath. There is nothing wrong with baths, but it should be noted that it requires me to do a toe touch while sitting down. I can't even see my toes!

As I leaned forward to attempt scrubbing my legs and feet I made a grunting noise. Now, this particular grunt was more like a moan...a short breath of air that is not loud at all.

In fact the "reach-grunt" is almost internal...only heard by the person doing the grunting.

After completing the grueling bathing process - it was time to exit the bath tub.

This requires using a little muscle. The "push-up grunt" is used in situations like this. The "push-up grunt" begins with a low-tone and swoops up to a higher-tone. If your "push-up grunt" is successful, it may end with a celebratory yelp. The "push-up grunt" can observed daily in eating establishments and anywhere someone is sitting and must get up.

The folding outdoor chairs that are so popular for picnics and sporting events provide a wonderful stage for those wishing to act out the "push-up grunt".

If you happen to be on a ski-lift and have to use a "push-up grunt" I can promise you did not exit with success. Standing for an invitation song at church usually doesn't include the "push-up grunt"...however, because we use chairs with arms instead of pews it is not uncommon for the elderly to use this maneuver. A keen ear can hear this grunt up to ten feet away.

Finally, there is the "suck-in grunt". The "suck-in grunt" is unknown to those who have never been or are not currently obese. This is where you suck-in your belly so that your pants can be latched. The "suck-in grunt" literally takes your breath away.

Because of this...an unsuccessful attempt will cause a large outburst of air and sound.

This noise (which usually sounds like you have smashed your finger) can be heard up to fifty feet away. The "suck-in grunt" will commonly come with anger. The "suck-in grunt" can sound violent at times. If you hear this...you will need to stay clear until the person has (a) latched their pants, or (b) changed back into jogging pants.

We could also talk about the "relief-grunt" and the "roll-over grunt", but there is not enough time.

We make noises. If you would like to experience these noises for yourself, simply take a burlap bag and place ten 12lb. bowling balls inside. Carry the bag in front of you for a day. Then and only then will you able to appreciate the different grunts.

So, we started a new diet two days ago. Some of you will know what the diet is when I explain how it works. I don't really know how it works and I am leaning heavily on my wife's interpretation of the guidelines. Sunday and Monday we were encourage to eat anything and everything we wanted. I will not tell you what I consumed on those days...it would probably make you sick. When you tell a fat man to eat all you want...well...it can be dangerous to say the least. Today began a week of very low calorie days. Now, I told you when I began this blog that I was not going to count calories this time, but I have had no success and I need some structure. I'm optimistic about this venture. I do not like fad diets. I do not think they work, but this one makes sense. The bottom line is that this diet influences a person to eat healthier and correctly. I'm all for that. Tomorrow should be interesting. Will I drop weight? There is no doubt that weight will be lost.

Keep your head up...because if it's not up...you are bending over grunting!

The Hoover Hover

There are times I act just like a vacuum cleaner when I eat. Usually, I am unaware that I have turned on the switch. When I flip on the switch, food begins to be forced into the chamber. No items are too big to fit into this colossal trap! Recently I was scolded by an elderly woman for turning on the vacuum. In a serious tone she said, "Put that fork down!". I didn't know where she was going with this, but she continued..."Do you know why you are big?" I love elderly people. They are so honest. This particular woman I am very fond of. I pondered her question..."Why am I big?" Could it be the 4500 calories of food I consume each day, or the lack of exercises. I waited for the answer with much anticipation. She finished..."It's because you take too big of bites".

Someone contact Richard Simmons...we've had a breakthrough!!!

This called for immediate action. I flipped the switch on high and told the lady to look over her shoulder, and with one powerful inhale the food had been consumed. She turned her head to say..."You're impossible!". To which I replied, "And you smell like Jesus". I want to pause to thank our minister for that wonderful line....thank you. So, the vacuum won. She did have a valid point. We do inhale our food. Why? Because we give our kids less than 10 minutes to eat lunch each day at school. 10 minutes! Those are the lucky ones. If the kids are late getting to the cafeteria the time can be cut in half. Maybe this lady was on to something. That however does not solve the hover.
You see, in order for a vacuum to work one must place it on top of the item they wish to suck up. We are not too different. Those who are overweight tend to hover. It's not easy! We guard our plates...never looking up. Always with our head down.

I know you thought "hover" would be a good name for this, but truly the best is "golf stance".

Please consider and see if the two don't work beautifully together.

I take a practice swing to loosen the arms (the filling of the plate). I then address the ball (pull the chair up to the table). I then take my stance (always with the head down). I make sure my arms are positioned correctly (surrounding the plate so no intruders can enter the perimeter). Then I rare back and hit the ball (turn on the switch and get your grub on).

Eating and Golfing. They go hand in hand.

I would like to give you one more pointer. If you are setting up a potluck or buffet...please listen closely. You need to place items that can be eaten in one bite at the beginning of the buffet.

This allows myself and others with like minds to have a snack while we are going through the line.

Let's just say, it's our range balls to warm up with!
I'm trying a new diet. I said I wouldn't do this, but I have not been doing well at all...and I need to lose some weight. I'll tell you about it soon. Needless to say, step one is gorging yourself. It sounds good...but man...it feels like a man with diverticulitis eating a jar of strawberry preserves. Keep them pulled up tight!

Skinny Guilt

Do you think we don't know what we look like? I do. When I eat in public I feel as though hundreds of eyes are on me. "Look at the fat man!" "Man, he's packing it away". "

He's walking around with a burrito hanging from his mouth like a man with his cigarette."

We shamefully order our food which is usually unhealthy. We look around and notice everyone with salads and no one with the hamburger and fries. When someone we know sits down beside us we move our plates to the center of the table...then quietly resume eating when their backs are turned. Oh, I know.

We do have to eat and most of the time we are eating no more than we should.

It's a mental thing. You are guilty...heck, even I find myself watching a large person stuffing things in their mouth...wondering why they are gorging themselves with food. I take a step back and look at a plate with clean rib bones and grease drippings from where the greasy fries used to lay.
I wish I would have their attitudes, even if they are unhealthy attitudes. "I can't take another bite of this salad." WHAT? You ate one leaf! You weigh a buck ten and have never been fat in your life. Your kids obsess about their weight and they haven't reached puberty yet. Maybe I should be more like that, but cleaning the plate is important - especially if you have a piece of bread to sop up the juices. I love the allure of having a sauce to mop up at the end of your meal. It's as if you have accomplished this great task...Man vs. Food...and now you are going in for the kill.
That's right...eating for me is a hunt.

First you creep up on the victim (the appetizer)...you make sure your camouflage is positioned correctly (spreading of napkin)...you ready your weapon (knife in right hand, fork in left)...then out bush appears the beast, (main course) the chicken, oblivious of your presence it relaxes in the field (plate). Then, without warning the shot is fired, the meat is carved and consumed. Ahhhh....relaxing, you enjoy the victory of your hunt by cleaning your weapon (sopping up the juices).

OK...I can see why healthy people may be a little freaked out by me when I eat in public. I will try not to hunt anymore. I will try to be civilized.
It's been tough. I'm still not motivated to exercise...and yesterday was so stressful that I consumed very bad foods. I may have another stressful report on Monday...we will see how things unfold this weekend.

Professional Plate Manager (My Title)

They all look the same...the plastic cow out front to remind you of the massive buffet located inside. They all have the same items...meat, starch, more starch, salads, cobblers and hot rolls.

The buffet is a national treasure.

You can find it in various shapes and forms.

There is one thing that is common between all of them, whether you are at a Golden Coral or a church potluck...plate management.

A buffet is where you separate the rookies from the pros. If you know anything about plate management you are considered a pro. The rookies are fun to watch...as they meander through the fat parade (of which I am the grand marshal) they place two to three items (not touching) on their plate and return to their table.

A professional plate manager can easily sample all 74 foods on the buffet line or potluck on one plate.

This takes skill and creativity. It takes endurance and knowledge of ingredients. For example...you can take a potato casserole and pile it on top of mac and cheese. Why?...because they are both starches that include cheese. There is a penalty if you layer pistachio salad with Salisbury steak. There is nothing wrong with sweet and savory items touching, but the green pistachio jello salad will not blend with the sauce of a Salisbury steak!

So, last night we had Mexican Stack in a foreign land (Tow, Texas). Mexican Stack is tricky. It can be healthy or down right bad for you.

In Central Texas it always includes shredded coconut and pecans...and yes you should try it.

So, last night we enjoyed this local favorite. It was wonderful! Mine was more of a Mexican Volcano. I had it piled high with all the wrong things. Forgive me please. You see, Stack can be healthy...heavy on the veggies and light on the chips and meat. Mine was just the opposite.

Bryce is taking the TAKS test today. Running tonight? Doubtful!

He has been drinking the TAKS Kool-Aid...healthy meal and early bedtime for him.

The weekend was good, actually it was great. We had a great picnic on Saturday at the slab in Kinglsand and came home to grilled chicken breast with baked sweet potato fries.

I would like to say that I am on the cusp of exercise madness. I feel it in me. I'm going to wake up on morning and jog for 4 miles. I want to badly. This is the week. My weight has remained the same with only slight fluctuations. It's time to move so massive weight. We'll see if this is the week to do that.

Buttered Bread

Everyone has their weakness. Mine is buttered bread. It doesn't matter if the bread is homemade, hot, cold, crusty, or soft. Bread plus butter equals love. Can you resist? I love to make homemade tortillas, rolls and bread loaves. I try a lot of recipes, but usually go back to the standards. It calls to me.

I see the wispy steam coming off the bread and immediately head for the fridge to grab the butter.

Healthy? Yes...if you need carbs and fat for the day.


Remember the Lay's commercial?

"Betcha can't eat just one?"

They stole that idea because of the way I treat bread. It's not my fault. Dad makes hot rolls that melt in your mouth. They are perfectly designed. When you make out the dough two things are very important: #1. Shape - must be ob longed so that it fits in your mouth easily. #2. Butter Pouch - you must put a 1/2 tsp of butter inside each roll before you bake them. This gives the rolls flavor, but also creates this genius opening where you can easily slide in more butter! I'm addicted. I can't eat just one.

Never in my life have I been able to eat just one.

That brings me to yesterday.

One of our dear friends made spaghetti for our youth group. Can I resist spaghetti? Sure. Can I resist the three loaves of steaming hot garlic bread? NO!

I sat there and popped pieces in my mouth like I was eating popcorn.

Was it special? No...just garlic and butter. I just couldn't resist. Did that blow my diet for the day? Maybe, but all I had for lunch was a 6inch sub sandwich. I hope the meals helped to balance out my day. Oh, wait...that same dear friend made a chocolate cake with cherries in it...and a lemon cake with a lemonade frosting. Seriously? I had a half piece of each. Bad day? Not really...I actually lost a couple of pounds. I didn't exercises yesterday...Wednesday is a busy day for a youth minister.

Tomorrow should be interesting.

We'll talk about the magic fruit.

The Gazelle...Power Dry

I didn't make it to the gym yesterday. Why? Basically, I loaded up on plenty of protein (Coopers). Ahhh...

I never truly knew BBQ until I moved to Central Texas.

Another reason I missed the gym yesterday was because of fear!

While deer are spotted daily in the hill country it is rare that you will see a gazelle

...unless you are at Anytime Fitness. That's right! There is a gazelle at Anytime Fitness everyday, and to be honest with you...it scares me. I get it, everyone has their own form when it comes to walking on a treadmill. Some people are heavy on the breathing, (I've heard men who could air up a hot air balloon) others are cotton-pickers, (like Thurman Hanes leading a song - reach out, grab the cotton and pull it back in) and then you have the gazelle. The gazelle skips around the gym waiting for her opportunity to pounce on the treadmill. Let me see if I can explain.

The gazelle first places her hands as high as possible on the control panel. This allows her to almost lean back when she pounces. I use the word pounce because of the loud (destructive) noise that is made each time her hooves hit the rubber belt. BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! The rhythm pulsates through the gym!

The 80's leg warmers and head band usually add a unique zoo like charm to this animal.

I use to think that gazelles were graceful animals, but it's just not true. The thighs reach a perfect 90 degrees before pounding the helpless machine. Just when you think it's safe to come out of hiding, she takes a quick sip of her water and then she is right back on the prowl.

It's scary!

Is this true story a legitimate excuse to avoid the gym? No! I will try again tomorrow. You know, I always take a shower before I leave the gym. There is only one problem. The towel. When you work out, you sweat. When I get out of the shower I continue to sweat and the towel I bring just doesn't cut it. There is another problem...it's hard to maneuver the towel around my zip code. I try to sling it around my back and to other regions, but it's very tough! When you are overweight it greatly reduces your flexibility. SO! I HAVE AN IDEA! In my bathroom I'm going to install a car wash style dryer. Isn't that the answer? Seriously! Picture this...You step out of the shower and then WHAM! High-powered air from the ceiling and floor covers your body. The air moves back and forth, and their would have to be a countdown clock in front of you. This will let you know when you are dry. Well, it sounds good to me.

Yesterday was really all about great meat. I enjoyed pork loin, and ribs for lunch. For supper I enjoyed pork loin and brisket. When you eat meat from Coopers you don't need anything with it. Did this help or hurt my diet? The scales didn't move. I did enjoy a banana for a late snack. Looking forward to my workout...just hoping the gazelle is caged up while I'm there. I'll keep you posted.

The Tuck

Amusement parks are always interesting to me...especially those that deal with mostly water rides. Why? Because overweight people feel as though they are body builders. I am overweight. I realize this, in fact I take it into consideration each time I get dressed. This is especially true if I am going to be enjoying a waterpark. Therefore, I must now introduce you to...

"Ken's Ten Clothing Words For Those Who Struggle With Being Overweight".

I would use "commandments" but I never found that in the Bible...just words that God spoke. Bible scholars can explain that, or you can read the text. Here we go!



10. Pants should be secured with a belt, or extremely tight around the waist. No one wants to see the moon during the day."


9. Speedo's and two piece bikinis are always off limits. There are only a handful of people that should be allowed to wear these clothing items...and they are Olympians. If your goal is to look sexy, it doesn't mean we need or want to see more skin.


8. Men...wear a t-shirt in the swimming pool. Yes, I know I busted your bubble with rule number 9, but we do not have six-packs. We have rolls that no one wants to see. The only rolls humans enjoy looking at are at the end of a Golden Corral buffet.


7. Sleeveless Shirts - While there is nothing wrong with having on a sleeveless shirt, it can get rather alarming when the openings on the side of the shirt are down to the waist. It looks like you cut a hole in a sheet and tucked it into your pants.


6. The Double Shirt - It is important that you use two shirts when available. This not only keeps everything intact...it also helps to cover the occasional "lift-up" (see number 5).

5. The Lift Up - Make sure that all shirts are long enough to cover "all" of your upper body parts. If you don't have the "lift up" covered...please keep your arms down while you yawn.

4. Loose fit - All clothing labels should contain the words "loose" or "relax fit". This will help you be relaxed and comfortable.

3. Starched - Because it makes your clothes look nice? NO! Because it makes your shirt stiff...therefore it covers up your imperfections. I make mine as hard as cardboard.

2. Pant Length - Are you below the gut or around it? Please factor this in when you choose your pant length. It gives us a bad reputation when you length should be 29 and you are wearing 34's. Likewise, please don't plan for rain....ever.

1. Always stay untucked. You're best bet is to keep it untucked. Trust me when I say, "This is your best look." Always keep it untucked.

You know I stay untucked as often as possible. To be honest, I would tuck in my shirt everyday, all the time if I were skinny. Unfortunately, I am not. I would prefer for my belt to be seen.

Bryce and I enjoyed another jog yesterday. This time there was no cheat-cutting. It was a two mile walk/jog. It was a great 25 minutes. I also found out yesterday that my gym membership doesn't expire until June. This is great! I will start taking advantage of this opportunity tomorrow. Expect some great workout observations.

I have only lost two pounds, but the good new is I am getting back in the diet groove. I have been drinking a lot of water. I have been eating pretty well. I expect big losses this week.

The Heavy Load...Cheat Cutter

I was really excited about "the run" my son and I were going to attempt yesterday afternoon. Luckily, eh..em...unfortunately, it was raining so we were unable to get out.

Before you give up on me please understand that we did go run this morning at 5:30 a.m.

I explained the path we would take today while I waddled and Bryce ran down the damp road. I said, "Instead of making a complete loop, (which would have made our total length about two miles) we will be turning to head back to the house a couple of blocks (8 to be exact) short of our goal."

Bryce replied, "Dad, you're a cheat-cutter"!

Now, I don't know exactly what a cheat-cutter is or how it is defined...but I didn't need a definition. I understood precisely what "cheat-cutter" meant and why our son was calling me by that name. I thought I would explain the importance of gradually working up to our goal of two miles, but I just kept my mouth shut. He busted me. He was fine, no complaining, no mumbling of being up at 5:30 a.m. to run with dad. I on the other hand woke up and immediately walked outside to notice that it was damp and drizzly.

I tried to explain the hazards of jogging in that environment to Bryce while he was in bed.

I explained that..."maybe we should wait for a better day". God bless him...he popped up, told me no and in 5 minutes we were on the road. Honestly, I feel so much better today. Exercising has that affect on a person. It's just getting out that first day. I'm looking forward to tomorrow.

Cool damp weather screams one thing and one thing only...Mexican food!

Unfortunately, our town is lacking in the department of quality Mexican food! That being said, I did enjoy a Mexican plate last night at a local restaurant. The food was mediocre. For lunch I had a 12 inch sub sandwich. No chips were consumed yesterday. Not the best eating decisions yesterday, but certainly not the worst I've done.

I believe it's important for a person to experience both strength and cardio training while trying to lose weight. Does that mean I need to lift weights? No! I squatted down to pick up a pen...I had to lift 100 lbs. (100lb. squat)in order to jump back on my feet. I take a step and my calves burn from pushing 100 pounds on my internal calf machine. When I get up from a chair I work my gluts. I strength train all the time. Why do I mention this?

Because, it is hard for those who are overweight to move effeciently.

It's painful! Walking this morning, (while I know it will help) will make me sore tomorrow. If I were at a healthy weight it would be much easier to do daily activities. Little things that others find easy are much more difficult if you are overweight.
I'm glad I have started exercising again...and even though our son called me a "cheat-cutter" it was all worthwhile when he hugged me and said "I Love You Daddy".

XR-120...On The Road Again

Yeah, I was hot...or at least I thought I was. It's funny because I know how much I weighed when I took that picture. 175lbs., Wranglers were 34 waist, 36 length. Why is that always my goal? Isn't that funny? I would be happy at 200, 220. I don't know what I would rather have...the small waistline or the thick black hair under that hat. Maybe I should choose the hat...it would cover up the lack of hair. We set unrealistic goals for ourselves. Keep in mind that a year before this picture was taken I was as big as I am now. Now let's compare workout strategies. Then - 2 miles each day on the treadmill, Intramural basketball 4 days a week, and racquetball for an hour 5 days a week. Now - 1 hour of football (Madden 2010 on the Wii). WOW! I think I just figured out why I am fat! I should have my own infomercial. We would call the product "XR-SIZE 120". Here's the infomercial...

How much would you pay for a body like the stars? 99.95? 59.95? Would you believe that you can have a body like the stars for the low, low, low, low, low, unbelievable price of just $19.95? Let me introduce XR-SIZE 120! This all new program is designed to melt away the fat! With XR-120 you get more than a diet, you get a book with over 1000 exercises to help get you off your buns and on the run. It's simple to use...just pick any exercise and use it for two hours a day! It's that simple! Lower your blood pressure, increase your sex drive, and put an end to embarrassing issues like "the squish", "the rollover", and "the waddle"! And, if you call in the next 20 minutes....WE WILL THROW IN A FREE SHAMWOW!!!!! That's right, no need to sweat at all! Just use your ShamWow to soak up the sweat! Call today...Operators (me) are standing by! 1-888-1-squish!

So what's the bottom line? Exercise. That's what it all boils down to. My weight loss experience has taught me one very valuable lesson: When you quit exercising, you gain weight. It's not rocket science. It's simple. If you want to eat bad then exercise more. If you want to remain the same size you simply eat right and don't exercise. If you want to lose weight you have to eat less and exercise more.

Yesterday our son Bryce said he wanted to start jogging. He plays soccer as you know, and he is really into running. The catch is he wants me to go with him after school each day. Well there you have it friends. Another day of eating right, but with no exercise yesterday. Something tells me God had his hand in this...God said, "Hmmm, how can I get Ken off the couch and motivated to exercise? I'll make it happen through his son."
I'll let you know if my knees stay together tomorrow! Also tomorrow we will talk about strength training and why lifting weights isn't needed.

Little Steps...Shamu's Entrance

I have to confess that I am addicted to the sport of soccer. I never knew anything about soccer before we had children. Now, I understand all the rules. I can see what is going to happen before it happens. I yell (encouraging words) at the kids, "cut off the ball", "do not let it bounce", "How can you let the ball run past you?", "We don't let the ball run past us.", "It was right in front of your feet." "Just stop the ball!" This sideline coaching lasted for the first couple of seasons until the parents were forced to scrimmage the kids. It was then I realized the ball I wanted the kids to stop was moving much faster than I expected.

One cool fall night we were scrimmaging our kids and the coach (who plays in a semi-pro league). I must say that we were doing pretty good.

Most of the dad's had on steal-toe boots from work, and moms wore flip-flops because of their fresh pedicures.

I, on the other hand, had on tennis shoes! I laced them tight for the match. We were doing great, progressing the ball down the field. I guess we were doing a little too good, because the coach started to help out the kids. On one particular play I was running (waddling) towards the ball...it was mine! I brought my leg back to kick, and in a split second the coach came out of nowhere!

He made a quick spin move (like a ballerina) and the ball was gone.

I could hear the observers chanting something from the sidelines, but couldn't make out what they were saying. What happened in those next few seconds may have been the most humiliating 30 seconds I've had in Marble Falls. More on that in a moment.

We live an hour away from Sea World. Our kids love the theme park and ask to visit their often. We enjoy the dolphin show and the Steel Eal roller coaster...but you go to the park for one reason and one reason only. SHAMU!!!! When it's time to bring SHAMU!!!! out the announcer gets the crowd to yell,

SHAMU!!!!, SHAMU!!!!, SHAMU!!!!

Out of nowhere the beast flies in the air and makes a huge belly flop on the the wet stage...skidding to a stop and waiting for a treat. It's is quite a site!

Back to the game...the coach spins, and down I went. My arms straight down to my side, like a fish out of water I'm flying through the air. I land on my belly..skidding to a stop. In the cool fall air I could faintly here the other parents quietly whispering...."shamu, shamu, shamu". I heard laughter...I knew I looked awkward...I wish I could have wiggled my tail and slid back into the cold water. The coach (now 30 yards down the field) looked back to make sure I was OK. Since that night I have not been back on the field. I was humbled, embarrassed and may have been suffering from "the squish". I have a new appreciation for any kid who plays the game of soccer.

Yesterday at practice I took a few steps to recovery. I stood near the goal and visited with Bryce as he waited for the next shot. On one occasion I even chased a ball down and returned it to play.

So why is this important? Because yesterday was the first day I have been back on track with my dieting as well. I was pleased with my performance. I had a turkey, ham, cheese, pickle and mustard sandwich for lunch. I had tuna salad and triscuits for supper. When I was hungry I had grapes and a banana. I probably had too much coke, but at least yesterday was a step in the right direction. I plan to keep it up. I have the motivation right now. I know I can do this....maybe all I need is a few people shouting...SHAMU!!!! SHAMU!!!! SHAMU!!!! for inspiration.

Circulation

Circulation: the spread or transmission of something to a wider group or area.

That is the first of several definitions listed for circulation. It works doesn't it? I know it's talking about news or money, but I was thinking about using it in dieting. When I button my pants or shirt, if there is a restriction (belly) then the result is circulation? Fat is a mover...if you dam up one area it will flow to a wider area. This makes perfect sense. I think I'm losing weight, when in reality it's spreading to a wider area...so we coin the term "junk in the trunk".

I fell in the garage on Sunday afternoon. I found myself "criss-crossed apple sauced" on the kid's bikes. I was OK...thanks for asking. I may have harmed Bryce's bike. The kick-stand was implanted on my right hip. The kids jumped out the car and compassionately asked if I was OK. They were worried. It was so sweet. They were genuinely worried about their dad. When Michelle and I do something dumb or careless we have the "one minute rule". It's an unwritten rule that all married couples should have. This is how it works: In the first minute following an "incident" there is no laughter.

This allows your partner to show concern for a moment and act as though they are sad that this happened to you.

I made my way to the car assuring the kids that I was fine, while Michelle held in her laughter. This time I began laughing before she did. The moral of the story? Because of proper circulation I was able to avoid a long-lasting injury. My "cushion" was sufficient for the fall.

Hot out of the oven cinnamon and orange rolls. Really, there is no question about whether or not I ate one. The question is how many? One Orange and one Cinnamon (they were small). Also...a pastry chef must taste them before they are given to the general public...I have my dad's reputation to uphold. Lunch was leftover pizza from Domino's. I did well at supper. It was Hibachi style shrimp and rice. Good stuff.

Instead of having seconds, I had another orange roll.

Oh come on...you could resist? I've got to tell you...those orange rolls are a piece of work. I love them. It's all about good and bad decisions. I'm just presenting you with my struggles.

The good news is Michelle and I walked last night. I struggled up the hill...the kickstand hip was sore. I was right...I gained a pound. I can do that, you know? I can gain a pound a day or lose 2 lbs. a week. Both scenarios are impressive.

The Squish

First, let me say, this weekend I made myself miserable. Weekends are like that. They are tough! I'm going to sum the whole weekend up in one word...squishy. "The Squish" as I like to refer to it, happens quite often in the life of an active overweight person.

"The Squish" requires three components:

Uncomfortable clothes (in my case it was starched jeans and a long sleeve shirt),

Heat (to stir up perspiration), and

Fat (I am not short on that).

Saturday we hosted an event at our building, so I provided Kolaches and Breakfast Tacos in the hospitality room...of course I had a couple of Kolaches...and a breakfast taco. I knew I didn't need it, but I was hungry (or at least that was my excuse). Around lunch time, with no time to change clothes our family headed out for the Bluebonnet Festival. We really had a great time, but it was starting to get hot (perspiration began to flow). Don't get in a hurry...we haven't made it to "The Squish" just yet. After leaving the festival we helped some new members at our congregation unload a U-haul truck. It was hot. Surrounded by asphalt and metal my shirt started to dampen. Inside the storage unit there was no circulation. While walking out of the unit...I diagnosed myself with "the squish".
Ironically, no odors are involved in "the squish", in fact it is probably unnoticeable to the casual observer (this is a blessing). "The Squish" has taken over! Someone took a keg of Vaseline and smeared it on every crevice, canyon and crack of my body! (The three body parts I love...I will not mention where they are located. Use your imagination)

No longer do you walk...you glide.

No longer do you sit...you slide.

It would be a great time to run a race because there is no friction under your clothes.
The solution? Shower. I wish there was another way to recover...but there isn't! Shower.

Kolaches and Breakfast Tacos on Saturday morning.
Sonic Cheeseburger on the way to Bluebonnet Festival.
Catered BBQ meal on Saturday night at the church event.

Lunch buffet on Sunday - roast with all the trimmings.
Pizza for the youth on Sunday night.

I was eating stressed...still thinking about what our son dealt with on Friday at school.

I can't use that as an excuse...it's just not valid.

When I eat like I did this weekend I get so mad. If you think I am always happy....you haven't seen me after I eat bad. I get in a depressed, mad and angry mood. I'm just mad at myself, but I'm sure I take it out on my family and those who are close.

I'm sure I gained...I know I gained several pounds! Oh, and get this...I made homemade cinnamon rolls and orange rolls this morning. Did I have one, two, three or four? Maybe I resisted! I'll let you know tomorrow. Don't even think I'm publishing my weight yet.

Keep your pants strapped on tight and do not try dusting with powder to conquer "the squish"....it will only form into a glue during a squish outbreak.

2000 Bodyparts and Breakfast

Lever 2000...for all 2000 body parts. 2000 body parts? I have to be honest, when you are fat...and I mean really fat...body parts are hard to come by. There are two types of fat people. There are those who are truly fat...and then there are those who think they are fat, complain about being fat, whine about being fat, worry about their cute little belly. I don't like them. You poor thing...you are ten pounds overweight...ahhhh. Get a life. I don't care if you want to diet, eat right and exercise four times a day....that's great! Please keep it to yourself...you little, wasting away, dime size human! I don't envy you. I am not jealous. Would I like to be skinny? Yes. Does a skinny person who has never been more than 10 lbs overweight understand my predicament? No. If I were ten pounds overweight...I would thank God and keep my mouth shut. Also...quit talking about dieting. I don't like sitting around a table talking about what you are doing and what Fred is doing and what Nancy is doing. Hush! It hurts my brain, makes me hungry, but mostly makes me feel like I'm in a legalistic church assembly where I'm never going to make it or be good enough! I wouldn't mind visiting about dieting if done with Grace.

I can't eat another bite. I ate a whole piece of bread and now I am stuffed. I ate a couple of grapes and I couldn't take another bite.

Fat Man: What did you have for lunch today?
Skinny Person: Popcorn
Fat Man: Oh, that sounds great...was it a bag of microwave popcorn?
Skinny Person: Nope, just one kernel.

Bryce wanted waffles and bacon for breakfast. Doesn't that sound wonderful? I had two bites of a waffle and a couple of pieces of turkey bacon. Lunch - ham and turkey sandwich with cheese, pickles and miracle-whip. I didn't eat chips...just enjoyed a diet-coke. Last night I made spaghetti with a turkey bolognese sauce (bolognese - meat based sauce). It was good. I have my spaghetti down to a fine art. I do believe it would rival almost any one's recipe. Last night after soccer I was ready for a snack. I enjoyed a sweet & salty granola bar around 9:00 p.m. I'm know that was a bad move, but man did it taste good.

I worry about breakfast.
I hear people in a scolding voice and a shaking finger,
"Eat your breakfast to start your day right!" I just don't get it.

Who decided the breakfast was the most important meal?

I've seen the pros and cons. I've heard the reports. Here is what I'm going with from here on out. When I am hungry, I will eat. If I am hungry at breakfast time (6:30a.m.) I will eat.
I've lost two pounds. I'm still too fat to mention my weight. Give me 3 more pounds and I may begin to open up. I'm angry while writing this today.

I have to go console my son.
A kid in his class brought a loaded handgun to school today.

The Waddle

It's a peanut-buttery, marshmallowy, chocolately confection that was available at our youth supper last night. Yes, I ate one...or at least part of one. Life is too short not to taste the good stuff. I made a decision yesterday to not count calories, points, fat grams, carbs, proteins, etc. I'm tired of that...it's hard enough for me to balance my bank account, much less balance a diet account. While the two accounts (bank & diet) run on the same theory (the more you put in the bigger it gets) it doesn't mean I should spend thirty minutes everyday figuring out how much the PB-MC confection cost me. I waddled to the car after our devotional last night. Do you know the waddle?

I despise getting dressed. If you are overweight you understand. It's not that it is hard...it's just uncomfortable. Here's the problem...I have no waist-line. I suffer from Dunlop Disease...where my belly Dun-lopped over my belt. If I pull my pants up over my belly it is uncomfortable, awkward, and would require a much larger pair of jeans. So I sag and waddle. The waddle is my form of transportation. The waddle is a choreographed move that keeps my pants up while walking. It requires a slight twist of the hips to pull it off. I am a pro at the waddle. Running is out of the question because the moon is only suppose to show at night.
Just watch someone today that is overweight...if they have pants on...they will waddle. The waddle is as awkward and embarrassing to me as Olympic speed walkers are to athletes.

I did good yesterday. I had a turkey burger (ground turkey patty) with all the fixing's for lunch. I didn't eat chips, but did have a Diet Coke. Last night I had a small baked potato with sour cream, cheese and salsa. I wanted another one so bad, but I resisted. I drank another Diet Coke. I know Cokes are not good. They have a lot of sodium, and don't help to hydrate. I'll try for one a day.
Please understand that I am not depressed. I am an outgoing, very busy and a happy husband and father. I am not lazy. I work hard and enjoy my busy days. The problem is I wake up between 5:45 and 6:15 and try to go to bed around 10. In between those 14 hours I am a busy man, always working, never exercising. I've tried the gym, I've tried walking, jogging, etc. I just don't like it. I don't want to do it. Yes! OK! I know it's best for me. Yes! OK! I know I feel better after I do it.
I started off today with two of Mickey's ears for breakfast (we have a Mickey Mouse Waffle Iron) and a couple pieces of turkey-bacon...so tomorrow's blog about today may be painful...I think I'll call it "2000 Parts - The Invention of Breakfast". I still don't want to tell you how much I weigh...maybe tomorrow.

The Rollover

I would like to introduce myself. Hi. My name is Ken...I'm fat. Did you say, Hi Ken? Thank you. I'm addicted to food; greasy, fattening, healthy, vegetables, meat, bread, starches, proteins, carbs, etc. I love sweets as well. I love to cook! I can be passionate about cooking on most days. I love the food network. I would love to go to cooking school, but don't figure I'll get the opportunity.
I was visiting with a pregnant woman the other day. She was close to her due date and was complaining about not being able to roll over in bed. She said, "I can't wait to have this baby so I don't have to sit up to roll over in bed." I smiled and tried to show her sympathetic eyes. SYMPATHETIC EYES? Who am I kidding...I've been pregnant for 20 years. Rolling over in bed should be an Olympic event! Announcer: "He's up, he's twisting...look at that form!" He's making his descent. What a landing!"
Do I want to be fat? Yes, absolutely! There is nothing more exciting than being out of breath when walking up a flight of stairs. There is nothing greater than passing a Pizza Hut and realizing that the noon buffet is $3.49. I love being addicted to food. I also love sarcasm, in case you didn't notice.
Of course I don't like being fat. It's a daily struggle. It hurts. I go into withdrawals. I cry at times. I worry about sitting in a restaurant booth and not fitting. I worry about taking the youth group to an amusement park and not participating. I despise flying because the seats are small. Would you like me to go on? OK, I will. I am no better than a person addicted to alcohol or drugs. I am damaging my body every time I make a bad food decision.
I am not a fan of surgeries and hope to never have one. I'm not a fan of diet pills or fads. Let's go back to 1993...in a six month time period I ate right and exercised daily...I lost 110 lbs. Since that time I have gained/lost close to 600lbs...up and down, down and up, etc. I understand it is unhealthy to jump up and down, and never plan on doing that. Every time I lose weight I tell myself this is the last time.
This blog is for my own good. If you read it and enjoy it...great! If you never look at it again...wonderful. I will update it as often as possible. Don't expect pictures with my shirt off like "The Biggest Loser"...just short blogs. I begin today, again. With my clothes on I weigh...I'm too ashamed to tell you. Maybe later.