The Grunt

Before your mind goes to the toilet, let's talk about some noises that are made by those who carry a heavy load. Oh sure, we could talk about beans (the magic fruit), but I am more concerned with the other noises that are "played" by myself as well as others.

So, in honor of National Tuba Day (which is always the first Friday in May) let's talk about the grunt.

We recently went four days without a water heater. This forced me to take a bath. There is nothing wrong with baths, but it should be noted that it requires me to do a toe touch while sitting down. I can't even see my toes!

As I leaned forward to attempt scrubbing my legs and feet I made a grunting noise. Now, this particular grunt was more like a moan...a short breath of air that is not loud at all.

In fact the "reach-grunt" is almost internal...only heard by the person doing the grunting.

After completing the grueling bathing process - it was time to exit the bath tub.

This requires using a little muscle. The "push-up grunt" is used in situations like this. The "push-up grunt" begins with a low-tone and swoops up to a higher-tone. If your "push-up grunt" is successful, it may end with a celebratory yelp. The "push-up grunt" can observed daily in eating establishments and anywhere someone is sitting and must get up.

The folding outdoor chairs that are so popular for picnics and sporting events provide a wonderful stage for those wishing to act out the "push-up grunt".

If you happen to be on a ski-lift and have to use a "push-up grunt" I can promise you did not exit with success. Standing for an invitation song at church usually doesn't include the "push-up grunt"...however, because we use chairs with arms instead of pews it is not uncommon for the elderly to use this maneuver. A keen ear can hear this grunt up to ten feet away.

Finally, there is the "suck-in grunt". The "suck-in grunt" is unknown to those who have never been or are not currently obese. This is where you suck-in your belly so that your pants can be latched. The "suck-in grunt" literally takes your breath away.

Because of this...an unsuccessful attempt will cause a large outburst of air and sound.

This noise (which usually sounds like you have smashed your finger) can be heard up to fifty feet away. The "suck-in grunt" will commonly come with anger. The "suck-in grunt" can sound violent at times. If you hear this...you will need to stay clear until the person has (a) latched their pants, or (b) changed back into jogging pants.

We could also talk about the "relief-grunt" and the "roll-over grunt", but there is not enough time.

We make noises. If you would like to experience these noises for yourself, simply take a burlap bag and place ten 12lb. bowling balls inside. Carry the bag in front of you for a day. Then and only then will you able to appreciate the different grunts.

So, we started a new diet two days ago. Some of you will know what the diet is when I explain how it works. I don't really know how it works and I am leaning heavily on my wife's interpretation of the guidelines. Sunday and Monday we were encourage to eat anything and everything we wanted. I will not tell you what I consumed on those days...it would probably make you sick. When you tell a fat man to eat all you want...well...it can be dangerous to say the least. Today began a week of very low calorie days. Now, I told you when I began this blog that I was not going to count calories this time, but I have had no success and I need some structure. I'm optimistic about this venture. I do not like fad diets. I do not think they work, but this one makes sense. The bottom line is that this diet influences a person to eat healthier and correctly. I'm all for that. Tomorrow should be interesting. Will I drop weight? There is no doubt that weight will be lost.

Keep your head up...because if it's not up...you are bending over grunting!