The Hoover Hover

There are times I act just like a vacuum cleaner when I eat. Usually, I am unaware that I have turned on the switch. When I flip on the switch, food begins to be forced into the chamber. No items are too big to fit into this colossal trap! Recently I was scolded by an elderly woman for turning on the vacuum. In a serious tone she said, "Put that fork down!". I didn't know where she was going with this, but she continued..."Do you know why you are big?" I love elderly people. They are so honest. This particular woman I am very fond of. I pondered her question..."Why am I big?" Could it be the 4500 calories of food I consume each day, or the lack of exercises. I waited for the answer with much anticipation. She finished..."It's because you take too big of bites".

Someone contact Richard Simmons...we've had a breakthrough!!!

This called for immediate action. I flipped the switch on high and told the lady to look over her shoulder, and with one powerful inhale the food had been consumed. She turned her head to say..."You're impossible!". To which I replied, "And you smell like Jesus". I want to pause to thank our minister for that wonderful line....thank you. So, the vacuum won. She did have a valid point. We do inhale our food. Why? Because we give our kids less than 10 minutes to eat lunch each day at school. 10 minutes! Those are the lucky ones. If the kids are late getting to the cafeteria the time can be cut in half. Maybe this lady was on to something. That however does not solve the hover.
You see, in order for a vacuum to work one must place it on top of the item they wish to suck up. We are not too different. Those who are overweight tend to hover. It's not easy! We guard our plates...never looking up. Always with our head down.

I know you thought "hover" would be a good name for this, but truly the best is "golf stance".

Please consider and see if the two don't work beautifully together.

I take a practice swing to loosen the arms (the filling of the plate). I then address the ball (pull the chair up to the table). I then take my stance (always with the head down). I make sure my arms are positioned correctly (surrounding the plate so no intruders can enter the perimeter). Then I rare back and hit the ball (turn on the switch and get your grub on).

Eating and Golfing. They go hand in hand.

I would like to give you one more pointer. If you are setting up a potluck or buffet...please listen closely. You need to place items that can be eaten in one bite at the beginning of the buffet.

This allows myself and others with like minds to have a snack while we are going through the line.

Let's just say, it's our range balls to warm up with!
I'm trying a new diet. I said I wouldn't do this, but I have not been doing well at all...and I need to lose some weight. I'll tell you about it soon. Needless to say, step one is gorging yourself. It sounds good...but man...it feels like a man with diverticulitis eating a jar of strawberry preserves. Keep them pulled up tight!