Four Golden Recliner Rules

Sure, we have our trucks, our golf clubs, our hunting gear and fishing gear...but none of those things compare to a man's recliner. It signifies the end of the day and the beginning of the weekend. These noble pieces of furniture deserve a name much higher than "la-z-boy". May I suggest that we name our recliners "the throne" and call toilets...well...toilets.

Seriously, when you sit in your recliner you act as though you are sitting on the throne.

We have our scepter (remote), our chalice filled with our favorite beverage, and entertainment. Do you have those things in your bathroom? I didn't think so. I now share with you the

"4 Golden Recliner Rules".

Rule Number One - The Groan - When we are forced to leave our throne we tend to let out an audible groan. Anger? Yes...this is definitely an angry groan. Would we admit it? No! The groans are loudest when you have just settled in to your recliner and are forced to get right back up. Other groans can signify pain. As we know, recliners require a drink in hand...and when the bladder is full, getting up is the last thing we want to do. Arrrrgh!

Rule Number Two -No Food Allowed - I break this rule nearly everyday and I always feel guilty. I know it's bad...it's times like this that I can hear myself getting fatter. That's right...I can hear myself blowing up. Is fruit OK? NO! I may be fat, but today I promise to never eat in the recliner again. It reminds me of the man that grew to his chair and died! Death by recliner because he couldn't get up. Thanks TLC Channel 189.

Rule Number Three - Child Fetch - I take advantage of this rule so often...it's no wander I'm overweight. If I have a task I need to accomplish and I think our children can accomplish in a timely manner I ask them to fetch. They are young...they can handle it. Sure they can...and that is why they are skinny and I'm fat!!! Come on Ken, get your lazy booty up and get it yourself. I'm working on this one.

Rule Number Four - 10:00 a.m. Rule - Unless you are sick there is never an excuse for you to be in the recliner before 10:00 a.m. I love lazy Saturdays, but I must admit moving from bed to recliner and then back to bed is never a good idea.

These commands I give you so that you may live life to its fullest. Don't waste your days reclining on your King or Queen Throne. Let's get up and move!

We had company this weekend. For the most part I ate very well, although I did slip a few times. I exercised in the form of walking 18 holes on Saturday. I know that is not enough. I must get in a regular exercise pattern.

If I would spend less time breaking the 4 Golden Recliner Rules I may actually have a desire to wake up and exercise each morning.

My weight did not change. I'm still down 20. Oh, and thanks to the lady at church that is quoted as saying..."What happen to your New Years resolution?" I love her.

Strategic Sitting

At a recent public event I found myself in a precarious situation. The chairs were basically stacked on top of each other and people filled every seat.

While I tried to sit normal, I found myself rubbing against the lady next to me.

I knew it was time to initiate the "sideslump". The sideslump is useful in situations like these. There are two types of sideslumps...the solo and the spouse. On this occasion I was able to use the spouse sideslump. I turned towards my wife so that only one cheek was on the chair...I then placed my arm around her. This is not a sign of affection. This is a strategic move used only for support. The sideslump requires balance as well as a tremendous amount of energy to maintain your position. Of course, there are some minor setbacks to this position.

The cheek that is being used will eventually fall to sleep.

This can create a minor situation when you are finally able to stand up. Next we have the "quarter crossover". Woman are masters at the full crossover. Simply slinging one of their legs over the other. The quarter crossover is where you sling your leg over the other...but it stops when it is parallel to the ground.

If you are overweight...this can be helpful in allowing you more space to enjoy your seat.

There is one major set-back...it takes every ounce of energy you have to keep your leg on top of the other. Because of this, it is important for you to wear pants. Why? The end of your pants can be used as handle to help hold your leg up.

I will only mention the "quarter crossover sideslump". After being overweight for years...I can pull this off.

The quarter crossover sideslump is not for rookies.

It takes years of practice to pull this off!

I have been doing pretty good on my diet. I have remained the same and lost a couple and remained the same. I'm down another 2 lbs. since I last wrote. That makes it 20lbs. total. Looking forward to the rest of the week. I have to start exercising soon to help the pounds fall off! No cokes. No sugars. Not too many carbs. Feeling pretty good. We'll talk tomorrow.

A Sticky Situation

Surely you have heard the phrase, "stick to your bones food". This can also be referred to as comfort food, or southern food. It is America's original cuisine. Consider the state meal of my home state, Oklahoma. It has at least four stick to your bones items: Fried Okra, Biscuits, Gravy, Chicken Fried Steak. Oklahoma's meal also includes grits, cornbread, black-eyed peas, and pecan pie. Growing up and living most of my life in the Sooner State I must admit that I have had my share of "The State Meal".

Most cafes in Oklahoma, (even the two in my hometown of Tipton) serve chicken fried steak as though it was a gourmet meal. It is, you know? Locals refer to chicken fried steak as chicken fry. For example..."Give me the chicken fry with french fries." That is a four star meal. And who can argue with that? Seriously? I don't care who you are...fried meat, biscuits, or sausage that is covered with "stick to you bones" gravy is going to be very satisfied. There is no way to go wrong! Sawmill gravy is an art. Either you have it - or you don't. It's really quite simple to make. First, you need fat. I have found that the best fat to use is a mix of both bacon and sausage. Next you need flour and a whisk. Finally, you need milk. 2% is fine...whole is better. Salt & Pepper. When we look in the bible for a description of heaven..."stick to your bone" sawmill gravy is what you will find.

There is only one reason for the pearly gates...that to keep everyone away from the gravy that is cooking inside!

So, what does all of this mean? I know my weakness. It's not chocolate. It's not sweets. It's not steak or lobster. It's "stick to your bones" food! The big problem for me is that the food literally sticks to my bones and I can't resist! What's worse? I love to cook that style of food.

I am gaining a new appreciation for the unhealthy qualities that this food type possesses. I am starting to understand that I can't eat those foods like I used to. My grandma would fry bacon in lard, and then fry potatoes in the same lard. I don't remember what they tasted like, but from what my brothers and sisters have told me...they were the best. How could they not be?

Yesterday I let my weakness have the best of me. After losing 18lbs. in a little over a week...I think this minor slip is understandable.

We ate Chinese for lunch...but don't judge...we did very good. I split the egg roll in two parts and scraped out the stuffing.

I didn't eat the fried wrapper. I ate all of my chicken and broccoli, but none of my rice. Not bad huh? Last night for our youth meal we had Brinner (breakfast for dinner). I'm sad to say that I didn't do well. I ate two biscuits with sausage between each of them. It stuck to my bones.

Today is a new day and I am right back on track. Looking forward to hitting the 20lb. mark...but yesterday set me back a couple of days. Hopefully by Monday I will be there!

IDATIAS Syndrome

Why? Seriously...why do people do this? I mean....how many times do I need to go over the rules before people learn. First, exposing yourself in public is illegal. I want to attempt to educate those who are overweight - but believe they are still skinny. Some obese people have a clothing complex (myself included). I don't like shopping for clothes. It's humiliating. But...BUT...when I do go shopping I buy a size that fits properly. Being a youth minister, it's interesting watching youth when you are taking shirt orders.

There have been some who needed an X-Large, but because their friends are wearing a medium they too order a medium.

They wear the shirt...three sizes too small. When this happens we see images like exhibit A to the left. Let's analyze this man's wardrobe. First, it's obvious he wants to show off his amazing chest and abdomen muscles.

The rippling of the shirt proves that this man is BUFF!

Second, notice the exposed table muscle (belly). Finally, look how the shorts are getting caught in the middle. What do we have here? We have a man with "IDATIAS" syndrome. IDATIAS? I Dress As Though I Am Skinny syndrome. It plagues many. The cure? Dress right. The cure? Buy larger clothes.

What's more embarrassing...wearing a 2X or 3x shirt...or showing the world parts of your body that can cause nausea and vomiting?

So...come on brothers and sisters! All of you who are overweight join the movement to stop IDATIAS. Weight loss is not even necessary...just a trip to the store.

The weekend that I was so worried about is a distant memory now. I've returned to eating what I want. Don't think I am gorging myself...or even overloading on calories...I am not. I am eating very healthy...and I'm happy about it. I have lost right at 18lbs. I'm exercising. I'm eating right. I'm doing great. I eat all the fruit I want. I eat all the raw veggies I want. It's been great. I made homemade salsa yesterday. Consider my meal last night...three cups of lettuce (a huge amount), a few slices of red onions and red bell pepper, a small chicken breast and I even was able to crumble 6 baked tostito chips. I covered it all with some of my salsa. Total calories by my estimation? 300. I made Talapia for lunch yesterday...made a Asian salad out of that. I at two apples for a snack throughout the day. So...maybe I had 600-800 calories...but I was full. I felt great.

That reminds me. Saturday night we watched a free concert, (The Belamy Brothers) at a local park. Following the show we took the kids to Taco Bell for supper. I was starving! I ordered a bean burrito. One bean burrito. Let me give you a brief Ken Taco Bell history lesson.

I can consume multiple bean burritos and soft tacos with no problem at all.

After eating half of this bean burrito I was stuffed...literally stuffed! I felt full, satisfied. YUMMY! I was amazed that one bean burrito satisfied me. I've heard the negatives about the 500 calorie diet we have been on, but I want to give some positives.

1. I lost 18lbs.

2. I have a new understanding of the amount of food we consume.

3. While it was tough, it was a motivator that has inspired me to eat better (healthier).

I weigh 289 lbs. My goal is 200. When will I meet my goal? When will I get there? If my calculations are correct...and they always are...(Tony Stark) I will reach my goal by mid-November. Just in time for Thanksgiving.

The Blindside

Eat what you want. Please, let me encourage you to eat what you want. As I gaze throughout the restaurant or across the table, understand that what you consume has no effect on me. If you are eating a rack of ribs with corn on the cob...I will be happy with my salad. If you are enjoying a bowl of ice cream...I will enjoy my breath saver mint. I have will power that is strong as steel. A mind that can not be shattered. A body that screams, "Throw me your best food temptation...I will not be moved."

If only that were the truth. Here's the truth. You eat a hamburger...I eat two. You eat french fries...I eat french fries and tater-tots. You enjoy a soft drink...I drink several.

If you put ribs on your plate...I take the ribs off your plate

and consume them myself.

This isn't about social graces. This is war! This is the arena. The band is playing. I'm a professional eater. I'm the quarterback on the Superbowl team calling the plays. This isn't a game. This is the playing field where war is carried out. If only I was on the bench (many are). If only I could keep my eyes off the game. Like the junior high kid whose parents are forcing him to play a sport (so they can live out their own dreams)...let me sit on the bench. Why can't I have that attitude towards food? Why can't I turn away the cheeseburger that is dripping grease? It's not healthy. I know this. It's bad for my body...like a receiver catching the ball while suspended in the air...the collision is going to be painful...but he grabs the ball never letting go...he has to be blind to not see the painful impact approaching. I may try wearing a blindfold. What I don't see...I don't crave.

Separate a fat man from food and watch the explosions begin.

Some deal with food separation anxiety better than others. Some obese men and women will become mildly depressed. Others will have a rejuvenated sense of life. I become angry. Could it be that the lack of diet cokes would have this affect on me? Could it be the lack of sugar? At any rate...I'm agitated and mad most of the day. At what? Nothing in particular...just everything in general. My wife (God bless her for putting up with me...she has handled the diet much better) and I are participating in a calorie counting diet that has a very, very low calorie intake the first week.

We are on day four of this diet and while the results are impressive (14lbs. lost so far) it is taking all I have to stay committed to it.

Last night I splurged and had a chicken breast with pickles. Pickles are not on the diet as they contain sugars and other substances that are not allowed. Will I make it for the last three days? I don't know. I will say this...the pickles were incredible last night. I never knew pickles could taste so good!

Dill, Kosher, Kosher-Dill, Bread & Butter...it didn't matter...I consumed any and all...I felt like I was having a feast!

Monday will be our last day of VLCD - (very low calorie diet). I will be out of town this weekend so it is going to be very, very hard to stay on track. Here's what I'm planning on doing. Tuna & Fruit. That's it....just tuna and fruit. I would love to join the guys for a cheeseburger after hole nine...if only I could golf blindfolded (sometimes I play as though I do). Keep everything covered up! We'll chat Monday.

The Grunt

Before your mind goes to the toilet, let's talk about some noises that are made by those who carry a heavy load. Oh sure, we could talk about beans (the magic fruit), but I am more concerned with the other noises that are "played" by myself as well as others.

So, in honor of National Tuba Day (which is always the first Friday in May) let's talk about the grunt.

We recently went four days without a water heater. This forced me to take a bath. There is nothing wrong with baths, but it should be noted that it requires me to do a toe touch while sitting down. I can't even see my toes!

As I leaned forward to attempt scrubbing my legs and feet I made a grunting noise. Now, this particular grunt was more like a moan...a short breath of air that is not loud at all.

In fact the "reach-grunt" is almost internal...only heard by the person doing the grunting.

After completing the grueling bathing process - it was time to exit the bath tub.

This requires using a little muscle. The "push-up grunt" is used in situations like this. The "push-up grunt" begins with a low-tone and swoops up to a higher-tone. If your "push-up grunt" is successful, it may end with a celebratory yelp. The "push-up grunt" can observed daily in eating establishments and anywhere someone is sitting and must get up.

The folding outdoor chairs that are so popular for picnics and sporting events provide a wonderful stage for those wishing to act out the "push-up grunt".

If you happen to be on a ski-lift and have to use a "push-up grunt" I can promise you did not exit with success. Standing for an invitation song at church usually doesn't include the "push-up grunt"...however, because we use chairs with arms instead of pews it is not uncommon for the elderly to use this maneuver. A keen ear can hear this grunt up to ten feet away.

Finally, there is the "suck-in grunt". The "suck-in grunt" is unknown to those who have never been or are not currently obese. This is where you suck-in your belly so that your pants can be latched. The "suck-in grunt" literally takes your breath away.

Because of this...an unsuccessful attempt will cause a large outburst of air and sound.

This noise (which usually sounds like you have smashed your finger) can be heard up to fifty feet away. The "suck-in grunt" will commonly come with anger. The "suck-in grunt" can sound violent at times. If you hear this...you will need to stay clear until the person has (a) latched their pants, or (b) changed back into jogging pants.

We could also talk about the "relief-grunt" and the "roll-over grunt", but there is not enough time.

We make noises. If you would like to experience these noises for yourself, simply take a burlap bag and place ten 12lb. bowling balls inside. Carry the bag in front of you for a day. Then and only then will you able to appreciate the different grunts.

So, we started a new diet two days ago. Some of you will know what the diet is when I explain how it works. I don't really know how it works and I am leaning heavily on my wife's interpretation of the guidelines. Sunday and Monday we were encourage to eat anything and everything we wanted. I will not tell you what I consumed on those days...it would probably make you sick. When you tell a fat man to eat all you want...well...it can be dangerous to say the least. Today began a week of very low calorie days. Now, I told you when I began this blog that I was not going to count calories this time, but I have had no success and I need some structure. I'm optimistic about this venture. I do not like fad diets. I do not think they work, but this one makes sense. The bottom line is that this diet influences a person to eat healthier and correctly. I'm all for that. Tomorrow should be interesting. Will I drop weight? There is no doubt that weight will be lost.

Keep your head up...because if it's not up...you are bending over grunting!

The Hoover Hover

There are times I act just like a vacuum cleaner when I eat. Usually, I am unaware that I have turned on the switch. When I flip on the switch, food begins to be forced into the chamber. No items are too big to fit into this colossal trap! Recently I was scolded by an elderly woman for turning on the vacuum. In a serious tone she said, "Put that fork down!". I didn't know where she was going with this, but she continued..."Do you know why you are big?" I love elderly people. They are so honest. This particular woman I am very fond of. I pondered her question..."Why am I big?" Could it be the 4500 calories of food I consume each day, or the lack of exercises. I waited for the answer with much anticipation. She finished..."It's because you take too big of bites".

Someone contact Richard Simmons...we've had a breakthrough!!!

This called for immediate action. I flipped the switch on high and told the lady to look over her shoulder, and with one powerful inhale the food had been consumed. She turned her head to say..."You're impossible!". To which I replied, "And you smell like Jesus". I want to pause to thank our minister for that wonderful line....thank you. So, the vacuum won. She did have a valid point. We do inhale our food. Why? Because we give our kids less than 10 minutes to eat lunch each day at school. 10 minutes! Those are the lucky ones. If the kids are late getting to the cafeteria the time can be cut in half. Maybe this lady was on to something. That however does not solve the hover.
You see, in order for a vacuum to work one must place it on top of the item they wish to suck up. We are not too different. Those who are overweight tend to hover. It's not easy! We guard our plates...never looking up. Always with our head down.

I know you thought "hover" would be a good name for this, but truly the best is "golf stance".

Please consider and see if the two don't work beautifully together.

I take a practice swing to loosen the arms (the filling of the plate). I then address the ball (pull the chair up to the table). I then take my stance (always with the head down). I make sure my arms are positioned correctly (surrounding the plate so no intruders can enter the perimeter). Then I rare back and hit the ball (turn on the switch and get your grub on).

Eating and Golfing. They go hand in hand.

I would like to give you one more pointer. If you are setting up a potluck or buffet...please listen closely. You need to place items that can be eaten in one bite at the beginning of the buffet.

This allows myself and others with like minds to have a snack while we are going through the line.

Let's just say, it's our range balls to warm up with!
I'm trying a new diet. I said I wouldn't do this, but I have not been doing well at all...and I need to lose some weight. I'll tell you about it soon. Needless to say, step one is gorging yourself. It sounds good...but man...it feels like a man with diverticulitis eating a jar of strawberry preserves. Keep them pulled up tight!