Shared Frustrations

While overweight people have plenty of frustrations that not everyone can understand, there are some frustrations that we all share. Consider ketchup. It's a fat man's friend. Low calories and great flavor. Everyone loves ketchup. Who doesn't? If you don't like ketchup it's pretty obvious that you are a member of Al Qaida.

Every nation has their own version of ketchup. South America has salsa. Italy has marinara. Britain has...what does Britain have? I guess vinegar. If your food is so bad that all you can dip into is vinegar you are in bad shape!

While we win the taste test there are some things that can frustrate us about our hero...ketchup.

Frustration #1 - The package. Seriously, can we not make a bigger package for fast food restaurants? One package is good for two fries and they are hard to open. A gold medal goes to What-a-burger for making a breakthrough! Plenty of ketchup in a container that easy to open and most importantly taste amazing! Seriously, you will find no better ketchup. The loser is any fine restaurant that thinks bringing you a miniature bottle of Heinz is a good thing. Seriously? There is more glass than ketchup. Stop!

Frustration #1 - The bottle. How long has ketchup been around? 1801! 208 years later we decided that ketchup bottles are only used upside down...so why don't we make an upside down bottle! Seriously, when did upside down bottles become commonplace? Six months ago? How sad it that is.

Frustration #3 - The colored container. When you sit down at a restaurant it looks lovely to have every ketchup bottle filled to the top. But, when you are deceived by a bottle that appears full only to find out it is empty your frustration level peaks. For our sanity please replace the colored containers with a clear container. Ketchup deception is so painful.

What-A-Burger ketchup and McDonald fries = gourmet appetizer...but not on my diet!

The Waffle House Affect

What is the Waffle House affect? If you've been to a Waffle House before you will realize quickly that you are never the largest person there. There is always, always someone there that is bigger than you. So, if you are overweight, like myself, you are constantly using the Waffle House Affect no matter where you go. It's a sad way of justifying your problem. We go to the mall, fly on the plane, and eat at restaurants constantly observing others.

When I finally spot someone who wins the prize I feel much better about myself.

But, what happens when you become the person that everyone else is looking at? Maybe you are out with friends, at church, or in a restaurant and you realize that you have won the prize! This is one prize that know one wants...but I find myself winning on occasion.

If you find yourself winning the prize please don't let it get you down. Be proud of who you are and don't allow the Waffle House Affect to get the best of you! Waffles for breakfast anyone?

Sipping On The Sauce

Thanksgiving is right around the corner and what better way to celebrate than with gravy.

Gravy is the glue that ties a holiday meal together.

A well made gravy or sauce can make a typical meal extraordinary. I am a huge fan. Essentially, gravy is lard, flour and liquid.

Liquid...the key word for today.

I had a dream that I was holding a cup of piping hot gravy. I was sipping on the gravy like a cup of coffee. After taking a sip of the sauce some of it remained in my mustache like whipped cream on a latte. No need for a napkin here...just used my tongue to clear the remnants.

I'm sure by now you have an image in your head.

The dream continues in the doctors office.

Doc: Sir, your cholesterol is extremely high.

Ken: How high?

Doc: Well, your blood isn't moving anymore.

Ken: What! I don't understand. How could this even be possible.

Doc: That's what happens when you drink gravy.

Ken: Gravy? I would nev...uhh...arghhh...ok, so what's the solution?

Doc: You will need to sop it up...Here, take this prescription.

Ken: What is this?

Doc: Hot rolls...eat as many as you would like!

My dreams are in high definition. My dreams are always in full color. My dreams are typically never about food. I'm not a great dream interpreter, but here's what I think my dream was saying to me: Eat all the bread you want and go light on the gravy this holiday season. Shouldn't be too hard...most gravy for the next two months contains the giblets (liver, heart, etc.) of Mr. Turkey. So, this dream must have been a holiday sign from above! Let me be the first to wish you

HAPPY HOLIDAY'S!

Me vs. UAD

It was a brief battle with an obvious winner. The enemy is smooth and cunning. He attacks without you knowing and leaves his mark before you ever have a chance of defending yourself. I have been at war for years and never won. The enemy even has a stealth weapon. Invisible, the stealth fighter is as dangerous as his more common partner. What makes their weapons so unique is the huge payload they are able to carry. The enemy’s weapons are replenished with just a twist of a button. I have a firm grip on the enemy each day but always disappoint myself with my effort to contain the beast.
November 14, 2010 the enemy notices that I am preparing for an important event. I’m sporting a dark colored shirt (the enemy’s favorite). Before I can even raise my arm to defend myself the enemy has attacked…and just like that the battle is over. The enemy has won again.
In the war of Fat people vs. UAD (Under Arm Deodorant) UAD wins every time. When I leave the house it looks like I have been in a wrestling match with UAD. I prefer “Old Spice – Denali” so I can smell like a man’s man. I have a very important fat rule to share with you…ALWAYS SMELL GOOD. I have to be honest right now, just because you are overweight it never, NEVER gives you the right to smell bad. NEVER! Unfortunately, the evil deodorant nation is out to get us.
So, they make invisible deodorant. Instead of white marks on your shirt now you have grease stains. Do they smell good? Yes, but it looks as though you have been deep fried.
This is another reason it is important for us to wear two shirts. I am not only covering up my fat…I’m covering up my battle scars.
Don’t ever take for granted the power of UAD. It will leave a mark every time! Fight the battle!

Body Building Leg Models

I’m pretty sure I could be a leg model. I have legs that any man would die for…even though no one would admit it. I know of men who work their legs for hours a week to sculpt and form their muscles. I, on the other hand, spend close to 40 hours a week working on my leg muscles. When you are an old fat man, sitting and standing is considered exercise. My legs stay toned because of the rigorous amount of weight each lower limb supports.

There’s only one problem…I can’t see my legs. Oh sure, if I sit down I may get a brief glance of the legs of steel…but it’s simply a glance. I remember the days when my legs were visible without bending over. Ah yes, those were the good old days!

There you have it…the “good old days”. If you struggle with your weight like I do, your “good old days” are always your skinniest days. August 1996…four months away from being married I weighed a measly 174 pounds, wore 32/34 jeans and medium shirts were in my closet. I constantly “go back” to those days when I start dieting. But, recently things have changed.
You see, I’m not doing very well with my attempted weight-loss. I’m stuck in the vicious cycle of…oh, who am I kidding? I just don’t care right now, but I have come to the realization that I am wasting my life because I’m not who I once was. What a shame! Why would I waste my time worrying about someone I once was and allow my life to fly by without living it now.

I am who I am. Why can’t we be happy with who we are? One reason may be that we like to hang on to those memories that are good…those memories that have left an impression on us. We remember marriages, births, family reunions (at least some of them), and our skinny days. While there is nothing wrong with reminiscing about those days, it is important for us to live today.
So I am going to be happy with who I am now…not who I was. Be who you are, not what you were. Here’s to all the body builders!

Four Golden Recliner Rules

Sure, we have our trucks, our golf clubs, our hunting gear and fishing gear...but none of those things compare to a man's recliner. It signifies the end of the day and the beginning of the weekend. These noble pieces of furniture deserve a name much higher than "la-z-boy". May I suggest that we name our recliners "the throne" and call toilets...well...toilets.

Seriously, when you sit in your recliner you act as though you are sitting on the throne.

We have our scepter (remote), our chalice filled with our favorite beverage, and entertainment. Do you have those things in your bathroom? I didn't think so. I now share with you the

"4 Golden Recliner Rules".

Rule Number One - The Groan - When we are forced to leave our throne we tend to let out an audible groan. Anger? Yes...this is definitely an angry groan. Would we admit it? No! The groans are loudest when you have just settled in to your recliner and are forced to get right back up. Other groans can signify pain. As we know, recliners require a drink in hand...and when the bladder is full, getting up is the last thing we want to do. Arrrrgh!

Rule Number Two -No Food Allowed - I break this rule nearly everyday and I always feel guilty. I know it's bad...it's times like this that I can hear myself getting fatter. That's right...I can hear myself blowing up. Is fruit OK? NO! I may be fat, but today I promise to never eat in the recliner again. It reminds me of the man that grew to his chair and died! Death by recliner because he couldn't get up. Thanks TLC Channel 189.

Rule Number Three - Child Fetch - I take advantage of this rule so often...it's no wander I'm overweight. If I have a task I need to accomplish and I think our children can accomplish in a timely manner I ask them to fetch. They are young...they can handle it. Sure they can...and that is why they are skinny and I'm fat!!! Come on Ken, get your lazy booty up and get it yourself. I'm working on this one.

Rule Number Four - 10:00 a.m. Rule - Unless you are sick there is never an excuse for you to be in the recliner before 10:00 a.m. I love lazy Saturdays, but I must admit moving from bed to recliner and then back to bed is never a good idea.

These commands I give you so that you may live life to its fullest. Don't waste your days reclining on your King or Queen Throne. Let's get up and move!

We had company this weekend. For the most part I ate very well, although I did slip a few times. I exercised in the form of walking 18 holes on Saturday. I know that is not enough. I must get in a regular exercise pattern.

If I would spend less time breaking the 4 Golden Recliner Rules I may actually have a desire to wake up and exercise each morning.

My weight did not change. I'm still down 20. Oh, and thanks to the lady at church that is quoted as saying..."What happen to your New Years resolution?" I love her.

Strategic Sitting

At a recent public event I found myself in a precarious situation. The chairs were basically stacked on top of each other and people filled every seat.

While I tried to sit normal, I found myself rubbing against the lady next to me.

I knew it was time to initiate the "sideslump". The sideslump is useful in situations like these. There are two types of sideslumps...the solo and the spouse. On this occasion I was able to use the spouse sideslump. I turned towards my wife so that only one cheek was on the chair...I then placed my arm around her. This is not a sign of affection. This is a strategic move used only for support. The sideslump requires balance as well as a tremendous amount of energy to maintain your position. Of course, there are some minor setbacks to this position.

The cheek that is being used will eventually fall to sleep.

This can create a minor situation when you are finally able to stand up. Next we have the "quarter crossover". Woman are masters at the full crossover. Simply slinging one of their legs over the other. The quarter crossover is where you sling your leg over the other...but it stops when it is parallel to the ground.

If you are overweight...this can be helpful in allowing you more space to enjoy your seat.

There is one major set-back...it takes every ounce of energy you have to keep your leg on top of the other. Because of this, it is important for you to wear pants. Why? The end of your pants can be used as handle to help hold your leg up.

I will only mention the "quarter crossover sideslump". After being overweight for years...I can pull this off.

The quarter crossover sideslump is not for rookies.

It takes years of practice to pull this off!

I have been doing pretty good on my diet. I have remained the same and lost a couple and remained the same. I'm down another 2 lbs. since I last wrote. That makes it 20lbs. total. Looking forward to the rest of the week. I have to start exercising soon to help the pounds fall off! No cokes. No sugars. Not too many carbs. Feeling pretty good. We'll talk tomorrow.