Shared Frustrations

While overweight people have plenty of frustrations that not everyone can understand, there are some frustrations that we all share. Consider ketchup. It's a fat man's friend. Low calories and great flavor. Everyone loves ketchup. Who doesn't? If you don't like ketchup it's pretty obvious that you are a member of Al Qaida.

Every nation has their own version of ketchup. South America has salsa. Italy has marinara. Britain has...what does Britain have? I guess vinegar. If your food is so bad that all you can dip into is vinegar you are in bad shape!

While we win the taste test there are some things that can frustrate us about our hero...ketchup.

Frustration #1 - The package. Seriously, can we not make a bigger package for fast food restaurants? One package is good for two fries and they are hard to open. A gold medal goes to What-a-burger for making a breakthrough! Plenty of ketchup in a container that easy to open and most importantly taste amazing! Seriously, you will find no better ketchup. The loser is any fine restaurant that thinks bringing you a miniature bottle of Heinz is a good thing. Seriously? There is more glass than ketchup. Stop!

Frustration #1 - The bottle. How long has ketchup been around? 1801! 208 years later we decided that ketchup bottles are only used upside down...so why don't we make an upside down bottle! Seriously, when did upside down bottles become commonplace? Six months ago? How sad it that is.

Frustration #3 - The colored container. When you sit down at a restaurant it looks lovely to have every ketchup bottle filled to the top. But, when you are deceived by a bottle that appears full only to find out it is empty your frustration level peaks. For our sanity please replace the colored containers with a clear container. Ketchup deception is so painful.

What-A-Burger ketchup and McDonald fries = gourmet appetizer...but not on my diet!

The Waffle House Affect

What is the Waffle House affect? If you've been to a Waffle House before you will realize quickly that you are never the largest person there. There is always, always someone there that is bigger than you. So, if you are overweight, like myself, you are constantly using the Waffle House Affect no matter where you go. It's a sad way of justifying your problem. We go to the mall, fly on the plane, and eat at restaurants constantly observing others.

When I finally spot someone who wins the prize I feel much better about myself.

But, what happens when you become the person that everyone else is looking at? Maybe you are out with friends, at church, or in a restaurant and you realize that you have won the prize! This is one prize that know one wants...but I find myself winning on occasion.

If you find yourself winning the prize please don't let it get you down. Be proud of who you are and don't allow the Waffle House Affect to get the best of you! Waffles for breakfast anyone?

Sipping On The Sauce

Thanksgiving is right around the corner and what better way to celebrate than with gravy.

Gravy is the glue that ties a holiday meal together.

A well made gravy or sauce can make a typical meal extraordinary. I am a huge fan. Essentially, gravy is lard, flour and liquid.

Liquid...the key word for today.

I had a dream that I was holding a cup of piping hot gravy. I was sipping on the gravy like a cup of coffee. After taking a sip of the sauce some of it remained in my mustache like whipped cream on a latte. No need for a napkin here...just used my tongue to clear the remnants.

I'm sure by now you have an image in your head.

The dream continues in the doctors office.

Doc: Sir, your cholesterol is extremely high.

Ken: How high?

Doc: Well, your blood isn't moving anymore.

Ken: What! I don't understand. How could this even be possible.

Doc: That's what happens when you drink gravy.

Ken: Gravy? I would nev...uhh...arghhh...ok, so what's the solution?

Doc: You will need to sop it up...Here, take this prescription.

Ken: What is this?

Doc: Hot rolls...eat as many as you would like!

My dreams are in high definition. My dreams are always in full color. My dreams are typically never about food. I'm not a great dream interpreter, but here's what I think my dream was saying to me: Eat all the bread you want and go light on the gravy this holiday season. Shouldn't be too hard...most gravy for the next two months contains the giblets (liver, heart, etc.) of Mr. Turkey. So, this dream must have been a holiday sign from above! Let me be the first to wish you

HAPPY HOLIDAY'S!

Me vs. UAD

It was a brief battle with an obvious winner. The enemy is smooth and cunning. He attacks without you knowing and leaves his mark before you ever have a chance of defending yourself. I have been at war for years and never won. The enemy even has a stealth weapon. Invisible, the stealth fighter is as dangerous as his more common partner. What makes their weapons so unique is the huge payload they are able to carry. The enemy’s weapons are replenished with just a twist of a button. I have a firm grip on the enemy each day but always disappoint myself with my effort to contain the beast.
November 14, 2010 the enemy notices that I am preparing for an important event. I’m sporting a dark colored shirt (the enemy’s favorite). Before I can even raise my arm to defend myself the enemy has attacked…and just like that the battle is over. The enemy has won again.
In the war of Fat people vs. UAD (Under Arm Deodorant) UAD wins every time. When I leave the house it looks like I have been in a wrestling match with UAD. I prefer “Old Spice – Denali” so I can smell like a man’s man. I have a very important fat rule to share with you…ALWAYS SMELL GOOD. I have to be honest right now, just because you are overweight it never, NEVER gives you the right to smell bad. NEVER! Unfortunately, the evil deodorant nation is out to get us.
So, they make invisible deodorant. Instead of white marks on your shirt now you have grease stains. Do they smell good? Yes, but it looks as though you have been deep fried.
This is another reason it is important for us to wear two shirts. I am not only covering up my fat…I’m covering up my battle scars.
Don’t ever take for granted the power of UAD. It will leave a mark every time! Fight the battle!

Body Building Leg Models

I’m pretty sure I could be a leg model. I have legs that any man would die for…even though no one would admit it. I know of men who work their legs for hours a week to sculpt and form their muscles. I, on the other hand, spend close to 40 hours a week working on my leg muscles. When you are an old fat man, sitting and standing is considered exercise. My legs stay toned because of the rigorous amount of weight each lower limb supports.

There’s only one problem…I can’t see my legs. Oh sure, if I sit down I may get a brief glance of the legs of steel…but it’s simply a glance. I remember the days when my legs were visible without bending over. Ah yes, those were the good old days!

There you have it…the “good old days”. If you struggle with your weight like I do, your “good old days” are always your skinniest days. August 1996…four months away from being married I weighed a measly 174 pounds, wore 32/34 jeans and medium shirts were in my closet. I constantly “go back” to those days when I start dieting. But, recently things have changed.
You see, I’m not doing very well with my attempted weight-loss. I’m stuck in the vicious cycle of…oh, who am I kidding? I just don’t care right now, but I have come to the realization that I am wasting my life because I’m not who I once was. What a shame! Why would I waste my time worrying about someone I once was and allow my life to fly by without living it now.

I am who I am. Why can’t we be happy with who we are? One reason may be that we like to hang on to those memories that are good…those memories that have left an impression on us. We remember marriages, births, family reunions (at least some of them), and our skinny days. While there is nothing wrong with reminiscing about those days, it is important for us to live today.
So I am going to be happy with who I am now…not who I was. Be who you are, not what you were. Here’s to all the body builders!